A Gorgeous Mélange
Hi Friend,
It's July 8th and almost noon. Ninety degrees and rising — the garbage trucks have rumbled by and our Monday meeting carried on as usual, all of us slightly sweatier than normal.
I've been reading Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know, recommended by my friend Meg, who texted me back from a plane headed to Jordan. Jordan. My mind fills with undulating desert, colorful souks, spicy lamb dishes. The adventure of a lifetime.
Matthew and I are planning our own travels — Costa Rica again, maybe the French and Italian coastlines after my stepson graduates. We think and talk about travel a lot. What we don't think about enough is doing nothing.
This morning I watered my garden, sampled the flowering head of an oregano plant (delicate, less pungent than the leaf), and sat on the walkway with my cat. Even petting him felt like a chore. I just wanted to sit and be. I'm not sure when I started to desire it — the doing nothing. But even wanting it, I still find it hard to allow myself the luxury. Just watching the bees move from one oregano pompom to another. Aerial acrobats on fragrant floral high wires.
Thanks for being here. I hope you find some time to do a little more nothing these days.
With warm (ninety degree) regards, Jessica
Gorgeous Experience
The Coyol restaurant in Nosara
The Coyol restaurant in Nosara sits on top of a nearly inaccessible hilltop with views over Nicoya. Getting there after dark meant winding mud roads and creek crossings — me nearly in tears at one point, convinced our car was about to careen off a steep precipice. I was tired. It was almost 8PM with an early flight in the morning, and the complete absence of lights, people, or any sign of humanity on the way up had my anxiety humming.
And then we arrived. The parking attendant with his flashlight, the light-bedecked pathways, the lushness of Costa Rica, and then Coyol — laughter and silverware, roasting meat and ice in a cocktail shaker. A rough-hewn wood table. Candles. The bar a fabulous palette of color from the liquor bottles. The whole restaurant open to greenness on three sides.
The food was rich and the drinks memorable, but what I can't forget is a family on the patio who looked like they'd stepped out of an 80s Calvin Klein advertisement — an aura of wealth and contentment, three-story white clapboard mansions and hydrangea print cushions hovering around them like a dream.
The photo I've included I took because I had to walk outside and look in — to see the experience from the outside. It's my favorite memory of that evening.
Courageous Reads
Having just finished What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo, I'm determined to feel more positive about my own journey with C-PTSD. I haven't been formally diagnosed, but I've self-diagnosed — layers of childhood trauma that kept me dissociated for years. I'm still working on the social awkwardness and the self-forgiveness, but I'm also tired of "fixing" myself. Foo's book made me feel braver about taking new steps.
Her survival mode and shame will feel familiar to anyone who has ever closed themselves off to get through something hard. I'll be looking into the resources she mentions, including Dr. Ham's work on healing from interpersonal injury and "the self-harm of fear, doubt, loathing and despair." Like, hello. Sign me up.
Also added to my TBR pile: Art & Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orlando; Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver; The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom; and Chilly Scenes of Winter by Ann Beattie — who I once met at the New York State Summer Writers Institute at Skidmore College. During a reading I sat behind her husband, the artist Lincoln Perry, and watched him sketch falling human figures in his notebook. He told me he wasn't over 9/11. I don't think he ever published them. I love how artists need to process with their hands.
Other Favorite Things
The Old Money Italian Summer playlist on YouTube, which has me dreaming of Italy and rewatching The Talented Mr. Ripley (both versions).
If you haven't tried international television streaming, BritBox is worth it — we've been deep in British murder mysteries, including the new Murder is Easy.
And if you're in Oregon, check out The Ford Family Foundation's SelectBooks program — they periodically give away free books, no strings. I got a hardcover copy of Demon Copperhead from them. Lovely!
